If you wish to be a writer, write. ~ Epictetus

I saw this movie today ‘WHAT LOVE IS’ and it blew my mind …I really think everyone should see it. I couldn’t stop myself from writing this afterwards; this is a conversation between four friends after one ofthem got a dear John from his girlfriend on valentines day. 

“I’m telling you Marcus this is just Gods way of trying to tell you you’re supposed to be dating men.” Sheddy said, an annoying twinkle in his eye.

“Oh sure that’s what I need, a nice hairy ass! That will solve everything.” Marcus replied letting his hands drop in exasperation.

“Don’t even start this whole fag issue tonight Sheddy. I don’t want to hear it.” Onos cuts in loudly.

“It was a joke I was kidding…”

“Oh bullshit! you do it every time! Some kind of subliminal male fucking faggy shit you fags pull all the time. Oh yes I can see the shit coming from a mile away.”

“Onos!” Marcus cautioned.

“Oh no fuck!” Onos continued furiously. “Don’t think I’m not on to you Sheddy. You throw a little something here, you say a little something there you drop a line about this you make an innuendo about that, you fuckers plant a seed and the next thing you know everyone’s sucking dick.”

“Come on Onos.” Kes warned this time.

“Oh come on my ass!” Onos screamed.

“Oh I’d love to, but I’m engaged.” Sheddy replied chuckling.

“You see what I mean! You fags are like Jehovah’s witnesses or vampires or something, as soon as one of you thinks you’re gay, you want everyone else in the world to be gay too.”

“Think they’re gay? Ah no.” Sheddy said salf assuredly. “First of all I don’t think I’m gay i know I’m gay, and secondly I don’t want you to convert. I wouldn’t wish that on any man. I was simply trying to get Marcus’s mind off the subject of women. I mean you guys are so pathetic, I bet you before I got here that was all you were talking about. (Everyone pauses) Of course it was, I mean look at yourselves you guys are worse than a bunch of girls. Every other straight man I know spends their time talking about sports or cars or their careers, where they want to travel to, the last fight they got into! Something even if it was mundane or prehistoric, its something other than women. I mean have you ever overheard a conversion between women? What is it always about? MEN! That’s it, that’s all they ever talk about and you guys are worse than them. I’m actually beginning to wonder if there’s a set of balls between the 3 of you.”

“All right all right.” Onos said standing up. “I can only handle being chastised by a fag for so long. At least not as long as my father is still on this earth!”

“Oh that’s really clever. Hey, why don’t you go gay bashing with some of your hoodlum friends and save us the subtlety of your innuendo?” Sheddy retorted

“I’d start with you, you big fucking queen. I mean who are you anyway? You confused, backwards, fucked up, cocksucker! You think you know who you’re because you can express yourself, cause you’re finally out of the closet and you can be the real you? Is that it?”

“Come on Onos, leave the man alone.” Marcus cautioned again

“No fuck that! Marcus. Maybe I’m not supposed to say anything here, cause I’m a black heterosexual male, by definition. I’m usually wrong about things like this I know that, I know I can’t win. But you see this kid here (he said pointing to Sheddy) this kid used to be one of my best friends, and all of a sudden he turns switch on me, ok and now he tells me he’s going to marry a fucking man and I got to sit here and pretend that I dig that? I don’t think so! I don’t even know how to fucking deal with that ok. Maybe I’ve had a little too much to drink tonight and maybe I’d apologize to Sheddy in the morning, but right now I’m gonna rip him a new fucking asshole.”

“Ooooo that sounds fun”. Sheddy replies beaming.

“Verbally you pervert! Let me explain to you alright. You’re not gay! ok, you understand! You were born a man and unless you’re an hermaphrodite mother nature does not fuck up. Being gay is not a physical thing its a mental thing, its a psychological situation. Look; you were probably molested as a little kid and you got insecure about your sexuality and when you hit puberty you thought to yourself-my God I’m gay. Gush I must be gay. Well you’re not! You were born a little boy; you didn’t speak with a lisp, you’re putting that thing on like an accent, that is an affectation! As a kid you didn’t act all fruity like you do now, don’t forget Sheddy I’ve known you since primary school!

“It is a proven fact that some people were born gay.” Sheddy answers feebly. “Its not psychological its physical. A certain portion of the brain…”

“Which portion?” Onos prodded.

“I don’t know…the Thalamus or something.”

“The thalamus or something??”

“The hypothalamus!”

“The hypothalamus?”

“I don’t know, just a certain stem thing in the brain grows different in the brain of gay men, Its a proven fact!” Sheddy barked, clenching his fists in frustration at the grilling.

“Says who?”


“Which doctors?”

“Medical doctors.”

“You’re still being vague!” Onos queried insistently.

“No I’m not! Medical doctors have proven…”

“Do you know their names?” Onos asked, his voice a few decibels deeper in mockery.


“You heard me young man, don’t say ‘what’ and stall for time. DO YOU KNOW THEIR NAMES? Or did you hear its a proven fact?”

“I heard about it ok, but everybody knows…”

“Ah ah ah!” Onos yelled. “Raising a finger. ‘YOU HEARD ABOUT IT BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS’ I see very interesting…mmmm.” He pauses. A finger on his lips as if in deep thought. “You heard about it but everybody knows its a proven fact; that sounds like a rumor to me. You see I happen to know the name of the doctor that said he proved that your asshole is good for banging, I also happen to know the name of the other doctors that corroborated his story. Can I tell you something? He asked rhetorically. Can I hit you with a piece of potentially earth shattering information?- THEY ARE ALL GAY!!! All of them. Dr lickshit dipshit and motherfucking nipshit are all faggot motherfuckers who unethically used their status as doctors to further their own anally suggestive ends.”

“He’s actually right they did, they did. I read the whole stuff on them in an article I saw in the papers.” Kes said, a reflective crease across his forehead.

“Do you believe that?” Onos continued. “Those bastards telling people they’ve got some weird stem shit growing in their brains so they start sucking dick. I mean I don’t care if any idiot tells me there’s a tree growing in my head, there’s no way this dude (he says that pointing to his chest) is ever going to start sucking dick…”

Kes and Marcus start laughing.

Onos continues relentlessly. “Can you imagine this conversation”- ‘eh excuse me Mr Johnson, we’ve got some good news and some bad news, eh the bad news is we found some weird growth in the core of your cerebral cortex. The good news is YOU CAN START SUCKING DICK IMMEDIATELY!’



The silence was deafening now, even the flies knew something wasn’t right. Every body’s attention was fixed on the spectre in front of the line. Abarimo asked the man to get on his knees, he had on his left hand a small clay pot, he raised the man’s chin and sprinkled some liquid from the pot on his face. The obviously scared militant jerked feverishly while the witch doctor looked into his eyes.

The whole camp watched spellbound as Abarimo worked his magic, after some seconds he straightened up slowly, turned to Ebika and said no gently with a shake of his ugly head.

Zeifa one of Ebika’s trusted friends and confidantes pushed the next man on the line forward roughly. The same procedure as the first was repeated, only as time went by the brutality intensified, probably out of Ebika’s frustration anytime he got a negative nod from the witch doctor.

Leo was kicked forward by Zeifa when it came to him. Ebika looked like a fiend, his eyes were a dark shade of red and he was sweating all over, like a rain forest storm was pouring exclusively over him.

“Where do you come from?” He asked, anger oozing from his voice like a provoked elephant.

“Okerenkoko” Leo answered boldly. Ebika switched languages to Ijaw.

“What is your surname?”

“Awana.” Leo replied boldly again, keeping the bravado up.

Ebika nodded, then shouted to Abiye, who was a shot distance away talking on the phone.

“This man here says he comes from your village and his surname is Awana, do you know him?”

Abiye walked over and stared down at Leo.

“I know there’s a family that go by that name, but I have never seen this boy in Okerenkoko and I don’t forget faces.” He paused in thought. “Who is your father?”

“John Birima Awana.”

He raised an eyebrow and reflected for some seconds, then exclaimed. “Ah, I know the man, but he left Okerenkoko years ago.”

“Yes, I grew up in Lagos…”

Leo’s words were choked in his mouth, as a kick from Ebika cut out air supply to his lungs momentarily.

Ebika brought his face closer, as Leo fell on his knees, his face contorted in pain.

“Who told you to speak?”

Leo just stared back, anger and bile welling up within him.

Abiye put a restraining hand on Ebika’s shoulder.

“So you never stayed in Okerenkoko?” Abiye asked gently.

“I stayed for 3 months before I came here.” Leo answered gruffly.

“With whom?”

“My uncle, Ikimi Awana.”

“We will send a man to confirm all you’ve just said.”

As soon as Abiye stepped off, Leo was dragged by the scruff of his neck to the witch doctor. Abarimo asked him to kneel in a hoarse barely audible voice, while he muttered incantations, his eyes staring pointedly at the calabash on his left hand.
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Leo felt his head throbbing like somebody was drumming inside it, and pains anytime he inhaled. He hoped to God that the kick hadn’t punctured his lungs, that could lead to a slow painful death in a part of the world that had no name on the map; with no family, no friends, nothing.

The prospect of an unmarked muddy grave was glaring at him when Abarimo lifted his chin. He sprinkled the evil smelling liquid on his face. Leo felt a strange cold all over, his eyes bulged painfully on their own volition though mysteriously he wasn’t seeing anything just a weird shade of yellow.

Moments later when things started feeling normal, Leo looked up to meet the snakelike eyes of the witch doctor. His heart sank when Abarimo pointed at him with his gnarled fingers.

Spontaneously, Zeifa and Ebika grabbed Leo and dragged him some metres into the camps shrine. They tied his arm firmly from behind and let him drop like a log in front of the Egbesu figurine and walked out.

The camp watched entranced, from inside the shrine Leo could see Capt. Abiye making a call. The remaining men on the line were still been interrogated by Ebika with renewed vigor.

It took hours before anyone came, time he spent wondering how the witch doctor had fingered him. He had never believed in the supernatural, he wanted to believe that he was fingered because his roots weren’t well defined as he had said he came from Lagos, or that this was Ebika dealing with him because of Francesca but he couldn’t deny deep down that something out of the natural had happened out there.

Abarimo entered the shrine rear first. He made his way slowly as he sang incantations, he walked carefully past the body on the floor turned around and sat on a stump on the left of the idol, he gesticulated as he consulted the oracle. The duo of Ebika and Zeifa waited impatiently outside for the sorcerer to finish.

Almost everyone on the camp had formed a thick semi-circle outside the shrine when Leo was pushed out. There was excitement on their eyes, then he saw Tam. Their eyes had locked for only a quarter of a second, but in that instant he had seen bewilderment, betrayal, anger and pity all rolled into one glance.


They are usually the loudest, they have tons of attitude, no respect, and oh gush they lie! Most times for no apparent reason.

We all know these girls, some of them are our friends. I don’t want to sound like some disgruntled loser trying to pour out another batch of heartbrokeness, but its pathetic when I see these girls fighting futilely to create this fantasy world where they become princesses meet prince charming and live happily ever after.

Of course there are those that have it all and they don’t pretend to be less or more than who they are. They are humble and real, we all must have met that beautiful girl that doesn’t have to be a bitch.

Today I saw this incredibly ugly girl put this on her status- “Send me your number if you’re a fine boy; if you’re not please don’t bother” I was appalled to think that she of all earths disadvantaged children could do that, I concluded that she must be desperately and instinctively fighting her misfortune by trying to do her own genetic engineering in an effort to make sure that what happened to her doesn’t repeat itself in the future. Well I wish her goodluck.

There is this girl I know that believes without an iota of doubt that she’s pretty, nothing in this world can shake her conviction. She sees it in the mirror (albeit only her) and she acts it, I believe there’s a syndrome to that effect I will remember the name. She will not accept any boy she perceives to be below her standards even if the guys attempts are halfhearted as she’s as plain as a wiped board; she drools after Ben Afleck and dreams of Zac Efron.

A friend of mine was asking this girl out a while back. This guy was really nice and cute too I must add, he was willing to do anything to get this girl to say yes, but there was a problem. The poor girl thought she was in a relationship with this other dude, who obviously was just fucking her. She should have known what he was using her for if only she could stop craving his six pack and bad boy handsomeness; I’m a guy but this boy was an asshole and dumb to boot. It would have been different if the boy was showing her some care or hiding his other affairs but he wasn’t and my friend watched helplessly as the girl he wanted made herself a slave so she could have a jock.

Another group of girls have a fascinating problem. From years of reading hundreds upon hundreds of romance novels they believe religiously that the perfect guy or more appropriately Mr right comes in a gold box with pink ribbons; he’s rich, handsome, powerful, intelligent, magnificent in bed, tall even blonde lol. I’m sure that guy is somewhere high up in the heavens, keep searching.

I like my warri girls sha, most times they don’t delude themselves, they go straight for the money and don’t care if you see them coming nor do they lie about what they do to the world. Its better that way, unlike the gang of girls who powder their noses and want to make you believe they come from Banana Island or some other soft places. They’re the rudest; they belittle the unfortunate boys and even girls around them. They act like they have it all till their parents come to pay them a wonderful surprise visit in school; driving in that piece of shit.