FAGGY!

If you wish to be a writer, write. ~ Epictetus

I saw this movie today ‘WHAT LOVE IS’ and it blew my mind …I really think everyone should see it. I couldn’t stop myself from writing this afterwards; this is a conversation between four friends after one ofthem got a dear John from his girlfriend on valentines day. 

“I’m telling you Marcus this is just Gods way of trying to tell you you’re supposed to be dating men.” Sheddy said, an annoying twinkle in his eye.

“Oh sure that’s what I need, a nice hairy ass! That will solve everything.” Marcus replied letting his hands drop in exasperation.

“Don’t even start this whole fag issue tonight Sheddy. I don’t want to hear it.” Onos cuts in loudly.

“It was a joke I was kidding…”

“Oh bullshit! you do it every time! Some kind of subliminal male fucking faggy shit you fags pull all the time. Oh yes I can see the shit coming from a mile away.”

“Onos!” Marcus cautioned.

“Oh no fuck!” Onos continued furiously. “Don’t think I’m not on to you Sheddy. You throw a little something here, you say a little something there you drop a line about this you make an innuendo about that, you fuckers plant a seed and the next thing you know everyone’s sucking dick.”

“Come on Onos.” Kes warned this time.

“Oh come on my ass!” Onos screamed.

“Oh I’d love to, but I’m engaged.” Sheddy replied chuckling.

“You see what I mean! You fags are like Jehovah’s witnesses or vampires or something, as soon as one of you thinks you’re gay, you want everyone else in the world to be gay too.”

“Think they’re gay? Ah no.” Sheddy said salf assuredly. “First of all I don’t think I’m gay i know I’m gay, and secondly I don’t want you to convert. I wouldn’t wish that on any man. I was simply trying to get Marcus’s mind off the subject of women. I mean you guys are so pathetic, I bet you before I got here that was all you were talking about. (Everyone pauses) Of course it was, I mean look at yourselves you guys are worse than a bunch of girls. Every other straight man I know spends their time talking about sports or cars or their careers, where they want to travel to, the last fight they got into! Something even if it was mundane or prehistoric, its something other than women. I mean have you ever overheard a conversion between women? What is it always about? MEN! That’s it, that’s all they ever talk about and you guys are worse than them. I’m actually beginning to wonder if there’s a set of balls between the 3 of you.”

“All right all right.” Onos said standing up. “I can only handle being chastised by a fag for so long. At least not as long as my father is still on this earth!”

“Oh that’s really clever. Hey, why don’t you go gay bashing with some of your hoodlum friends and save us the subtlety of your innuendo?” Sheddy retorted

“I’d start with you, you big fucking queen. I mean who are you anyway? You confused, backwards, fucked up, cocksucker! You think you know who you’re because you can express yourself, cause you’re finally out of the closet and you can be the real you? Is that it?”

“Come on Onos, leave the man alone.” Marcus cautioned again

“No fuck that! Marcus. Maybe I’m not supposed to say anything here, cause I’m a black heterosexual male, by definition. I’m usually wrong about things like this I know that, I know I can’t win. But you see this kid here (he said pointing to Sheddy) this kid used to be one of my best friends, and all of a sudden he turns switch on me, ok and now he tells me he’s going to marry a fucking man and I got to sit here and pretend that I dig that? I don’t think so! I don’t even know how to fucking deal with that ok. Maybe I’ve had a little too much to drink tonight and maybe I’d apologize to Sheddy in the morning, but right now I’m gonna rip him a new fucking asshole.”

“Ooooo that sounds fun”. Sheddy replies beaming.

“Verbally you pervert! Let me explain to you alright. You’re not gay! ok, you understand! You were born a man and unless you’re an hermaphrodite mother nature does not fuck up. Being gay is not a physical thing its a mental thing, its a psychological situation. Look; you were probably molested as a little kid and you got insecure about your sexuality and when you hit puberty you thought to yourself-my God I’m gay. Gush I must be gay. Well you’re not! You were born a little boy; you didn’t speak with a lisp, you’re putting that thing on like an accent, that is an affectation! As a kid you didn’t act all fruity like you do now, don’t forget Sheddy I’ve known you since primary school!

“It is a proven fact that some people were born gay.” Sheddy answers feebly. “Its not psychological its physical. A certain portion of the brain…”

“Which portion?” Onos prodded.

“I don’t know…the Thalamus or something.”

“The thalamus or something??”

“The hypothalamus!”

“The hypothalamus?”

“I don’t know, just a certain stem thing in the brain grows different in the brain of gay men, Its a proven fact!” Sheddy barked, clenching his fists in frustration at the grilling.

“Says who?”

“Doctors…”

“Which doctors?”

“Medical doctors.”

“You’re still being vague!” Onos queried insistently.

“No I’m not! Medical doctors have proven…”

“Do you know their names?” Onos asked, his voice a few decibels deeper in mockery.

“What?”

“You heard me young man, don’t say ‘what’ and stall for time. DO YOU KNOW THEIR NAMES? Or did you hear its a proven fact?”

“I heard about it ok, but everybody knows…”

“Ah ah ah!” Onos yelled. “Raising a finger. ‘YOU HEARD ABOUT IT BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS’ I see very interesting…mmmm.” He pauses. A finger on his lips as if in deep thought. “You heard about it but everybody knows its a proven fact; that sounds like a rumor to me. You see I happen to know the name of the doctor that said he proved that your asshole is good for banging, I also happen to know the name of the other doctors that corroborated his story. Can I tell you something? He asked rhetorically. Can I hit you with a piece of potentially earth shattering information?- THEY ARE ALL GAY!!! All of them. Dr lickshit dipshit and motherfucking nipshit are all faggot motherfuckers who unethically used their status as doctors to further their own anally suggestive ends.”

“He’s actually right they did, they did. I read the whole stuff on them in an article I saw in the papers.” Kes said, a reflective crease across his forehead.

“Do you believe that?” Onos continued. “Those bastards telling people they’ve got some weird stem shit growing in their brains so they start sucking dick. I mean I don’t care if any idiot tells me there’s a tree growing in my head, there’s no way this dude (he says that pointing to his chest) is ever going to start sucking dick…”

Kes and Marcus start laughing.

Onos continues relentlessly. “Can you imagine this conversation”- ‘eh excuse me Mr Johnson, we’ve got some good news and some bad news, eh the bad news is we found some weird growth in the core of your cerebral cortex. The good news is YOU CAN START SUCKING DICK IMMEDIATELY!’

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s